Thursday, November 1, 2012

it's a bad DAY, not a bad LIFE... otherwise known as, "HALLOWEEN 2012"

happy day-after halloween to you!  i hope you feasted on as many airheads as your stomach could handle and reveled in the joy and wonder that the holiday brings to little munchkins hyped up on sugar.  

yesterday was... a day.  a very long day in a very long week of deadlines, stress, work and pressure.  i started the day hopeful that everything would go according to my plan and i'd be out of the office by 5:00 to squeeze my little ketchup packet (see below) and introduce him to trick-or-treating for the first time ever.  

in my head, it played out beautifully.  a wonderfully written motion for summary judgment followed by a flawlessly executed argument at a motion hearing, wrapped up with some productive preparation for the depositions i'll be taking this afternoon.  all finished by 5 p.m.  except when 6:30 rolled around, and i was still at work, i was on the verge of tears, feeling like the world's worst mother and wondering why i was the only person left at my office, still working on this, THE quintessential holiday for parents with young children.  i was slamming things around and getting more pissed off, more bitter with each passing minute.  john called to ask where i was and i heard jack squealing in the background and let me tell you, my entire body literally ached to leave.  i wanted nothing more than to be in my living room, with my son, getting ready to go trick-or-treating.  

but i diligently finished my work.  and packed up the two boxes worth of medical and employment records i still needed to review that evening (at some point?) and stacked them on the rolling cart.  i put my coat on and rode the elevator down to the first floor.  i felt like a failure, a shitty mom.  i could feel tears welling up in my eyes even as i opened them wider and told myself i'd be home in seven minutes and it wasn't worth crying over.

i rolled the cart with my overloaded boxes across the street, and in the middle of the intersection, OF COURSE, the boxes fell off the cart, scattering papers and records into the street.  and the light turned green.  and as i stopped to look into the face of oncoming traffic, i silently cursed the practice of law.  and specifically MY decision to practice law.  and at that point, i also probably was thinking something along the lines of - GO AHEAD AND HIT ME, RAPIDLY APPROACHING CAR.  maybe i can turn this into a kick-ass worker's compensation claim.  

but as one of the cars rolled closer, i could hear a song playing.  it was a song by one of my favorite bands, the avett brothers, and it just happened to be a song i love dearly and have quoted on my living room gallery wall. decide what to be and go be it.  i took a deep breath, gathered up my papers and thought to myself, THIS IS A BAD DAY, NOT A BAD LIFE.  i repeated this to myself a few times, slowly and dramatically.  i reminded myself that i wanted, more than anything, to be an attorney.  and i am one.  and i wanted to be a mother. and i am.  and i wanted, more than words can say, to add another child to our family.  and we are doing that.  and i have everything i want.  i have everything i need.  and it doesn't look the way that i want for it to look all the time, but it is happening.  and it's what i've chosen.

when i got into my car to drive home, i resolved to let all of this go so that the moment i walked in the door of the house, i would be in full scale halloween celebrating mode.  and i was.  i was greeted by an enthusiastic toddler who had been having a ball greeting trick-or-treaters and handing out candy with his dad.  i donned my costume, grabbed his hand, and took him out trick-or-treating, and he had an absolute blast.  his adorable commentary on the whole thing was cracking me up (upon seeing some kids up ahead... "hi kids!  what?  i can't hear you!  i like candy!  i like dogs!  ok, bye!")  he didn't want the night to end, and we let him stay up later than normal, as we all gorged ourselves on his halloween loot.

 my cheesy "preggo" costume.
 hot dog & ketchup ... an American classic!
happy halloween 2012!

long after my husband and son were asleep last night, i put the last medical records binder back into its box and thought about the day.  jack is not going to remember the fact that i wasn't home exactly at 5 to begin the holiday.  he's not going to think about how he "waited" for me to get home or that i was "late."  let's face it - john's probably already forgotten about it.  by the time my head hit the pillow, i had done everything i wanted to do that day, just not in the exact way i planned to do it.  i laid in bed for a little while before sheer exhaustion took over, my mind swirling with thoughts.  i've said on this blog before - i don't think everything happens for a reason.  i really don't.  BUT i do think some things happen in a way that makes you really take something from them.  and to the man/woman/teen-ager/person-with-really-good-taste-in-music-who-didn't-hit-me-in-the-crosswalk-last-night: thank you for your choice to listen to that song, at that moment.  it changed my whole day/night.


1 comment:

  1. Such a great reminder for me right now, too. Super happy you made it home and I love all your costumes. Preggo. Too cute!