(rookie) mom mistake.

hello all! back with another edition of "things i shouldn't have done whilst raising my son." this one is so OBVIOUS, i shouldn't even be sharing it. i knew it was a mistake even as i was making the decision. DEFINITE MOM FAIL!

i consider myself somewhat practical and reasonable when it comes to buying things for jack. i do occasionally get sucked in to purchasing things that aren't out and out NECESSITIES, but i can usually justify them with a quick "but look at all the money we save cloth diapering!" and anyway, most of my indulgences are room decor and books (both timeless classics, if you ask me).

so yeah, last night, after enjoying every possible moment of the balmy weather, jack and i made a quick trip to a local consignment shop that we usually frequent every few weeks. i was on the look out for some lightweight pj's for the little man, and as as we scoured the racks for those, we found ourselves next to a shelf holding various toys. and then i saw this:

image from here.

the little elmo laptop was priced at $4.99, and so, even acknowledging that it was a mistake as i picked it up, i handed it to jack, considering it a reasonably priced addition to his toy collection. i mean, it was $5. what's the harm?

the harm is that approximately 48 seconds later, the annoying voice of elmo had already driven me slightly crazy. jack was enthralled by this little laptop and the ease with which he could open and shut the contraption and push the keys. in 3 minutes time, i had already heard the following phrases ad nauseum "identify! identify! identify" and "green triangle. green triangle. green triangle." and "elmo likes! elmo likes!" NOTE TO SELF AND TO PARENTS EVERYWHERE: IF A TOY ANNOYS YOU PRIOR TO LEAVING THE STORE, DO. NOT. BUY. IT. (it's pretty obvious, right?)

this is not my first encounter with elmo. oh no, folks, i should have known better. for jack's first birthday, a family friend gave us these:

image from here.

what are those, you ask? those, my friends, are ELMO HANDS. they are fuzzy, furry glove-looking contraptions that sing and yell and make other annoying noises. the kids pictured above look like they're having a grand ole time, right? NOT PICTURED: annoyed parents with migraines, drinking hard alcohol to drown out the noise. when i recovered from my shock at the fact that ELMO HANDS even existed, i then tried to give them a chance. my good faith effort lasted 7 minutes. i banished them to a wicker basket in the closet where they have remained ever since (except for a brief discovery by the son of one of my co-workers during a dinner party).

jack also received THIS for christmas:

image from here.

that's rock n' roll elmo. he sings, he plays instruments, and he asks you to do stuff for him. yes, i'm serious. elmo will ask you to hand him instruments. he will do this five times consecutively, and if you do not hand him the instrument he wants, he will discontinue asking for it and need to be reprogrammed. which sounds pretty passive aggressive and whiny to me. furthermore, i have a lot of stuff to do (you know, keeping up with my reality television shows, convincing john to help me with DIY projects... RAISING MY SON...) i really don't have time to hand instruments to furry, inanimate objects. but that's just me... maybe you totally have time to meet elmo's exorbitant demands... "1-2-3 come and sing with me... 4-5-6 everyone, let's go!" elmo was allowed to hang out in our living room for a few weeks after christmas. and then he also went to live in the closet because his annoying, whiny voice brought me to the brink of breakdown pretty quickly. i don't know what it is about elmo, but we just don't click. my sister made fun of me last weekend for my love of wooden toys, but let's be honest: a wooden block isn't going to ask you to hand it a tambourine. a wooden block can't sing or dance or force you to seek illegal prescription drugs. the problem with elmo toys is they leave very little to the imagination. i think i could be okay with an elmo doll. a silent one, with no on/off/sing-at-full-volume button.

so anyway, i SHOULD have known better than to buy that elmo laptop. afterall, i'd already experienced THE HORROR of elmo hands and rock n' roll elmo. but i only spent $5. this morning, i looked up the laptop on amazon. LOOK HERE. WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND IS PAYING $70 for this annoying thing? i can't believe it. for $5, the price is right, and i don't have to feel an ounce of guilt when i shove that laptop in the closet in a day or two. beware friends: one of you lucky individuals might just be receiving an elmo themed basket of goodies at your next baby shower!