Wednesday, January 26, 2011

state of my union address.

two weeks ago my marriage was in trouble.  you see, the bonds of matrimony were starting to buckle under the pressure of road trips and two very different tastes in television.  after nine weeks of maternity leave, i had become accustomed to a specific and regimented television watching schedule.  there were "it's always sunny" episodes to watch, and "bridalplasty" re-runs to gawk at.  there were real housewives of atlanta and beverly hills marathons to catch.  and there was one very annoyed husband, who really couldn't care less about the aforementioned.

in the me vs. john "what are we watching on tv" debate, i usually win.  especially since the arrival of jack.  because i can totally throw out the "i have to sit on the couch and nurse the baby... so i don't want to watch [insert name of some sports show i don't care about]."  however, marriage is all about compromise, right?  it didn't feel right stealing these little victories, and i began to feel guilty for commandeering the remote.

and speaking of guilt, here's an update on road trips post-baby: they are complicated.  gone are the days of throwing a few changes of clothes into a bag, loading the iPod with some glorious tunage and hopping in the car, corn nuts (john's long distance snack of choice) and coffee on hand for a new adventure.  there are bumbo's and boppy's and blankets and bottles to pack.  there are "oh my god, what if he has a blowout's" and "what about if he's too warm or too cold or too uncomfortable's" to plan for.  this means that john and i are running, on average, approximately 1 -2 hours behind schedule anytime we leave our house for some extended trip.  no matter how organized i think i am, or how much i've tried to accomplish the night before, there is some crisis that arises and sets back our departure time.  this drives the OCD part of me (which is the largest, loudest, most annoying part of me, you see) nuts, to no end. 

and the aforementioned scenario is only compounded when we look down at our hastily printed mapquest directions and realize: shit, there's no edward allen poe lane.  there's no thomas avenue.  we can't take a left onto birchtree drive.  where the hell are we?  cue the soft whimpering of a small baby from the backseat.  should we turn around?  stop at the nearest gas station?  cue the high volume screaming of a baby who is tired of this roadtrip, annoyed by the restraints of his carseat, and about to go quite ballistic on his bewildered parents.  needless to say, this situation (which we've happened to find ourselves in at least a few times since october) is a bit stressful.  and once we arrive home and the memory fades, we plan the next venture.  but even though we're both nodding excitedly, in what seems to be happy anticipation of the next trip, we're both silently screaming, "not again, not again."

and then, approximately two weeks ago, six letters changed our lives forever.

D - V- R.     G-P-S.

that's right.  we, okay i, finally caved and signed up for DVR.  on the very same day, we also purchased a garmin, and life is good.

my shows are all recorded and waiting in their organized recording file.  while john is at the gym, i can snuggle with my baby, catch up on my forays into trashy celebs' "reality," and skip all those pesky commercials. 

commercials, comercials, commercials.  fare thee well, annoying commercials that irritate me so much i'm likely to avoid the product you're advertising out of spite.  seriously, DVR has allowed me to miss out on all 30 second inconveniences, and for that, i am very grateful indeed.  all my maternity leave tv watching left me incredibly annoyed with a few commercials in particular.  you know that vonage commercial where the customers are talking about the benefits of switching to vonage, and the one lady goes, "we talk about traditions."  and the next lady goes, "we talk about the turkey and the big paniiiiiiii."  for weeks, i complained to john about this stupid commercial.  "what the hell is she saying?" my sleep deprived, patience-less mind would wonder.  "is it panini?  fettuchine?"  it got so annoying that when it would come on, john knew to mute the commercial to avoid my diatribe.  but it turns out i wasn't the only one wondering what the heck she was talking about.  you need only to type "the big turkey and the big" into google, and lots of results come up.  if you're wondering what the customer was blabbering about, please feel free to read about the big PERNIL here.

and don't even get me started on that damn hamsterdam kia commercial.   you can get with this or you can get with that or you can get with this or you can get with that.  i don't get how hamsters dressed in jumpsuits with rapper bling around their neck makes you want to buy a kia.  but dear lord, i was about to embark on a "don't you dare buy a kia" campaign to counter it.

but that's all in the past now.  a simple click of the fast forward button, and we're in business.  easy, peeeeezy.  just like our roadtrips.  on the way to des moines (for the great milk surplus of 2011, mind you), baby jack became less than enthused about sitting in his carseat.  we simply asked our dear gps where the nearest restaurants were, and we found a delightful diner hidden away in independence, iowa.  it was lovely.  the gps has brought some of the joy back into traveling, even traveling with a newborn.  and that, dear readers, is no easy feat.

so, in conclusion, if this were the real state of the union address, this would be the part where representatives from both parties stand and applaud because trust me: this is a bipartisan victory.  i had to reach across the aisle, so to speak, and make some compromises with my other half, but i finally gave in.  and there's nothing but sunshine and rainbows and a whole lot of recorded television programs to show for it. 

here's to a great 2011!  yes we can!

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