Saturday, July 3, 2010


good morning to the dedicated few who read my blog.  why my body insisted on waking up so early on a saturday morning is beyond me, but it's an absolutely gorgeous day, the sun is steaming through the window and i feel peaceful and well rested... so, i'll take it.

it's been a pretty surreal week.  we had our 20 week ultrasound, found out the sex of the little peanut, put together the crib and changing table and i had my yearly review at work.  so now i'm sitting here, in what will become the little one's nursery, trying to figure out the perfect way to position this new furniture, and thinking how quickly the days, and months, and even years are flying by.  last night while we (okay, john) was putting the crib together, i was reading a copy of "love you forever."  note: hormonal pregnant women should not read said book.  i made it to the second or third page before i began crying.  john had warned me that i was going to cry (i  mean really, who doesn't cry during that book anyway), but i continued to thumb through the story.  i love that book.  it's such a sweet reminder to treasure the times you have with the people you love because time is ticking away, and you never know exactly how many precious moments you'll have together.

i guess it hadn't really hit me until i actually saw the baby's head, fingers, legs, toes, and furiously beating heart.  oh my goodness, i am going to be someone's mother.  that's my baby in there!  it's become obvious that i'm pregnant.  and i no longer fit into any of the clothing i wore a few months ago.  certain foods have lost their appeal and others have become more appetizing.  so while i've become accustomed to being pregnant, it's just not the same as seeing that little face and realizing, that's my child.

i tried to explain this to john after the appointment.  he laughed and said, "ohhh, so now you finally realize you're pregnant?"  i laughed, too, but i was serious.  i guess it's just a little different for us.  john's, of course, super excited for the baby to arrive, but the major changes this new adventure will usher in don't really take effect until sometime in november (unless of course baby decides to make an earlier debut... which, i just have a feeling, is pretty unlikely.  both of its parents are generally fashionably late, and i expect this little tyke will adopt that trait as well).  i've slowly been changing (physically, emotionally, etc.) this whole time.

(*sidenote: now that we know what the baby is, it's reallllly hard to keep referring to the little one as an "it."  butttt, the big family reveal isn't until later today, so i'm keeping my promise to john and keeping my mouth shut til afterwards.)

i've kind of (if i do say so myself) hit my stride with this pregnancy thing.  i feel about 700 million times better than i did in the beginning.  i have so much more energy, and i'm pretty into most foods, or food in general, i should say.  i guess it's kind of like the transformation i've experienced at work, too.  sometimes it seems like just yesterday that i started, still anxiously awaiting the results of the bar exam and feeling like i was so unprepared to do what i'd been planning for umpteen years: practice law.  it's a good feeling to be able to answer phone calls and advise clients without consulting caselaw or statutes, to know the answers, to be able to quickly draft the same documents that would have taken an hour or more several months ago.  it's a good feeling to have your colleagues recognize this transformation and offer you their praise for the strides you've taken in your career.  it's been a lot of hard work, and there's a lot more ahead, but it feels good to be on track.

and i think i've also hit my stride with this whole marriage thing.  haha.  that sounds funny.  i feel, in many ways, like john and i have been together forever.  i hardly remember my life before he was in it, and with the exception of childhood memories with my siblings, i sometimes can't recall moments when he and i weren't an us.  of course our relationship has changed.  it's gone from keg stands and thursday night dinners at el cap to law school and first jobs and careers and a wedding and moving and a baby.  and i guess i would be ignoring the truth to say that with all those changes, there haven't been some awkward periods where we struggled to understand who we were individually and as a couple in the face of these new challenges.  sometimes i think we're so different than we were 7 years ago... but yet, in many ways, we're the same.  the things we say and do, the jokes we tell, the way we interact... i could see us acting this same way back when we were at millikin.  and yet we're not the same people.  i could name a whole bunch of ways i know i'm different.  i could name so many lessons learned, so many experiences had that have completely changed the way i think and feel.  and he's been there for all of that.

the other day i got a package in the mail.  it contained a couple work shirts i ordered from ann taylor loft maternity.  when i tried on these new purchases, i felt more like myself than i had in a couple months, and i ran downstairs to show john.  "look!" i yelled, excitedly.  "i'm a real lawyer again!"  he was laughing, and i was laughing because of course i'm ridiculous... i've been struggling with feeling like i don't "look the part" right now because THERE ARE A COMPLETE LACK OF PROFESSIONAL MATERNITY CLOTHES. (but i'm not even going to down that path right now)  after this little exchange, though, i started thinking that every time i've started feeling insecure about the way i look or the changes i'm experiencing, john just intuitively knows what to say.  maybe he can sense that i'm about to have a nervous breakdown or something, and he immediately snaps into damage control mode.  i don't know.  but he really is always there with a compliment, a word of encouragement or a simple thank you and i start to think... "so what if i'm wearing elastic waist band pants to court???"  there really is nothing better than being faced with challenges and new adventures, but just knowing that you'll get through them better, faster, stronger (as kanye would sing) because you've got the support and love of someone who just gets you.

ok, let's move on.  even though i've gone through a lot of changes and am a lot more emotional than i would be normally, i prefer myself sarcastic to sentimental, and i think we all get the point here.

or what was the point of this?  i can't really remember.  but now i'm so hungry i'm going to have to end this.  i hope you all have a blissful 4th of july holiday with your families and/or friends.  treasure the precious moments with your loved ones, and, if the mood strikes you, embrace elastic waistband pants!  i might just be turning them into the "it" article for '10.

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