medal of honor.

not to toot my own horn, but i'm giving myself an award.  baby jack is 12 weeks old today.  while this means that our little bambino is growing bigger and smiling wider each day, it also means that i've been breastfeeding for 12 weeks.  back when i was pregnant, breastfeeding seemed like a no-brainer for me.  of course i would breastfeed my babies.  i mean, just ask anyone... breast is best, right?  i never dreamed it would be "work."  i really believed jack would pop out of the womb, instinctively knowing exactly how to latch on and eat like a champ.  i had never even thought about "nipple confusion," "nipple shields," or "supply issues."  puuuuhhhhleeeease. breastfeeding is the natural thing to do, right?

well, mannnnn, are we at six flags?  i swear breastfeeding is the most up and down emotional rollercoaster i've ever been on.  from getting up in the middle of the night to pump (even when jack is sleeping) to keep my supply up, to dealing with clogged milk ducts (sorry, i know it's TMI, but this is a blog post on breastfeeding, so if you kept reading, i assume you were prepared for this), to fighting through baby growth spurts, this three months has been, what i would consider, an epic battle.  definitely much more trying than studying for a bar exam.  the thing about studying for the bar exam is that i knew if i put in the time and effort, i would do well on the exam.  you don't have that same comfort with breastfeeding.  you can try your damndest, you can eat lactation cookies, seek out herbal supplements, drink literally gallons of water, and you might not be able to produce enough milk to feed your
baby.  isn't that crazy?  well, i have to say, i have literally tried pretty much every standard trick out there (some more helpful than others).  there have been many days that i felt like throwing in the towel.  but here, we are, 12 weeks in, and jack is happy, healthy and steadily growing.

this is probably a really boring post to anyone who hasn't gone through this.  i apologize.  i'm not trying to make this blog a chronicle of mommy-hood.  i don't plan to post about jack's bowel movements (but i also never thought i'd be at a christmas party discussing them with others, so i guess never say never...) or my mommy woes on a daily basis.  but i needed to pat myself on the back over this accomplishment because i never thought i would get here. i really didn't.

you know a weird side effect of being a nursing mom?  it's lonely.  while on jack's first road trip, i sat in the guest bedroom at my friend's house, nursing my baby, listening to my friends talking in the living room... and  i  wanted to be out there socializing with them so badly.  on thanksgiving, i had to take 5 breaks from the festivities to
feed jack, and each time while sitting there, i kept thinking "hurry up, little man!  i'm missing stuff."  it's not that i hate feeding him.  it's not that it's painful or uncomfortable.  sometimes i just miss the effortless way of life before... when i could sit around and talk to family and friends, without watching the clock and thinking, "it's about
time to for jack to eat."  i'm a social person, and being confined to a bedroom by myself for 20-40 minutes while little man chows down is sometimes so isolating for me.  (which is why i usually make my mom and sisters join me, regardless of what they want to be doing)

and yet, i love that i'm able to do this for my baby. (see, rollercoaster!)  when i get home from work, and we're sitting together and he's having his dinner and he looks at me so contentedly, i think, wellll, THIS is what matters. it is calming and soothing and relaxing to spend a quiet half hour with my baby at the end of a busy work day.  i appreciate being able to do this more now that i've gone back to work than i otherwise might have.

but damnit if it isn't hard, hard work.  who would have thought that i could turn into a crazed, homicidal maniac if threatened with the idea of wasting even half an ounce of precious liquid gold breast milk??? who would have thought that i would voluntarily choose sleep deprivation in favor of an extra pumping session???  who would have thought that they'd see me cruising down the highway, my breastpump hooked up to the cigarette lighter, filling bottles for my baby???  i've never been a particualy modest person, much to the dismay of my sisters, who have
been subjected to me whipping off articles of clothing in front of them when trying on new duds at the store, but over the past 12 weeks, any semblance of privacy has been discarded.  (i do draw the line at whipping out my lady parts in front of my dad and brothers, which is why i've been holing up in bedrooms, breastfeeding alone.) anyway, this is a public service announcement, if there ever was one.  breastfeeding is great for your baby.  the whole process intrigues and amazes me.  BUT IT IS HARD WORK.  it can make you crazy.  it can make you even more
emotional than you already are post-partum. it can make you feel like a failure for pumping 3 ounces as opposed to 4.  it forces you to rearrange your whole schedule in favor of not having one.  it is the single hardest thing i have ever done in my life.  i. am. not. kidding.  and while i've been known to be a tad dramatic (just ask my husband!), i firmly believe it to be harder than giving birth.  at least i knew there was some end in sight to the 2 hours of pushing.  yes, labor is painful, but for me, there was no accompanying emotional pain or guilt attached.  if a meeting at work runs over, and i have to shorten a pumping session or nix it altogether, i feel like i'm failing my baby.  it's not rational.  i know this.  i know that giving my baby formula would not be the end of the world.  formula is not poison.  but for some reason, i have it in my head that jack is getting breastmilk, and i am making every sacrifice i can to ensure that happens.  it is insane.  i never thought i would be like this.  i also never thought i'd make it to three months... and here we are!

breastfeeding for the past 12 weeks has opened my eyes to new experiences, new feelings and new crises, that's for sure.  but it hasn't all been maddening, though.  some of it has been pretty funny.  example: the great milk surplus of 2011.  last week, i attended a continuing legal education conference in des moines.  john and jack graciously agreed to join me on the voyage, so they got some hotel fun in while mama learned about statutes, caselaw and ethical obligations.  now, my plan was to pump on my 15 minute breaks from the conference.  we were staying at the hotel where the conference was, so i figured it would be pretty easy to run upstairs to our room, do my milk thing, then run back downstairs.  the plan worked brilliantly.  until all of the sudden i looked down, and realized, woooooahhhh, my boobs were kicking it into overdrive.  out of nowhere, the amount i was normally pumping had doubled.  here we were, in a hotel room in des moines, with a few bottles and no freezer or fridge, woefully unprepared for this goddamn milk surplus.  husband's suggestion was to throw out the milk we didn't need.  this earned him some dirty looks.  (hell, i almost got all amber vs. gary, teen mom style on him).  i appointed john to ice patrol and forced him to guard this excess supply for the duration.  we both had a good laugh about how things had changed.  back in february, he made sure to have a bathtub full of beer iced and waiting when i returned to our hotel room after the illinois bar.  fast forward almost a year and here we were, our bathroom overflowing with mom's milk, and him, valiantly guarding and icing the supply.  ohhh, god bless my patient husband. 

i've breastfed in the backseat of our car (while the car was stopped, of course) and pumped on the highway while traveling at speeds in excess of 70 mph.  this journey has certainly taken me to some crazy places.  and my breastfeeding woes provide excellent entertainment for my female colleague, who delights in listening to my diatribes.  i really feel like i should get one of those chips you get in AA.  you know, something signifying that i've made it to 3 months.  maybe an extra lactation cookie with lunch?  haha.anyway, cheers to this insane, ridiculous willpower that is coming from somewhere within (i don't even know where.... and ps, where were you when i needed you during bar exams 1, 2 and 3? particularly 2 and 3???) and a very sincere and heartfelt thank you to the friends and family i have coerced into bedrooms while i nursed my baby, so i would have someone to talk to, to make me feel normal again.  a very special thank you to my sisters, who have probably been scarred for life by seeing my boobs on numerous occasions and hearing me discuss breastfeeding woes. thank you to the moms i have dialed in fits of desperation, asking for advice and help.  i so appreciate all of you... and so does my growing baby boy.

now why did i write this?  because someday, when jack is about 16, and thinks that i'm the most annoying, embarrassing dictator on the planet, and he doesn't want to spend time with or around me, i am going to
remind him of all of this.  (actually, it would probably be better if john reminded him of all of this, so i can seem more selfless and amazing.  remind me to tell john about this asap).  and he will feel bad.  he will go buy me some mother-of-the-year card, and ask me to watch a movie with him instead of his girlfriend.  haha.  i know, i'm
kidding myself.  none of that is going to happen.  i promise i'm not going to hold my breastfeeding over my son's head.  i promise.  even if i don't even get a movie or a nice card out of it, i have the foresight to realize it's all worth it, even still.

shiny happy baby laughing.

the only thing cuter than this video is watching jack watch himself in this video.

it adds a little happiness to this, the saddest day of the year: the day john convinces me it's time to take down the christmas decorations.  hope you all had a wonderful holiday season!

on hearing things.

well, my maternity leave has come to an end, and it's back to the grind.  my desk is now covered with stacks of briefs and cases and files that will be ruling my life for the foreseeable future, as well as framed photographs of my little peanut, the latter of which, i should mention, are much more fun to look at!  anyway, i have been pleasantly surprised at my recent transition back to the practice of law.  leaving jack for my first day back was agonizing, and i cried three times before 8 a.m. each day got easier, however, and it has been so fun to come home to a happy baby who spends his days laughing and playing with his adoring daddy.  i can't ask for anything more.  i think that once we adjust to this new schedule, our routine will be just about perfect.

but anyway, going back to work means that my breastpump has become my new best friend.  thanks to a hands-free pumping bra, i've pumped while on the phone with clients, while researching caselaw for a brief i'm writing, and while weeding through the day's emails.  it's been quite comical, really.  and while my trusty breastpump offers comic relief in the face of work stress, provides breakfast, lunch, dinner and the snacks in between for baby jack, i have discovered that my breastpump does something else: it speaks to me.

no, but for real, it does.  i know this is going to sound crazy to you, especially if you haven't hooked your knockers up to an electric double pump, but that contraption says stuff to me.  really.  at first, it simply hurled insults like "wacko."  this made perfect sense to me since my original relationship with the breastpump was a rocky one, and the whole mess seriously made me feel like i was going crazy.  recently, it has expanded its vocabulary.  it also says, "relax," (thanks, buddy!  i'm trying to!) and "sleep now," among other phrases.  

now, i can admit to being an odd duck about things.  i also admit to being a sleep-deprived new mom, so i wondered if i was slowly going insane.  i actually googled "talking breastpump," wondering if others had experienced this same phenomenon.  lo and behold; i was not alone!  this result assured me that i wasn't losing  it.  

anyway, here's to new beginning with new "breast" friends!  happy 2011!

fours.

i was about to go to bed, but since i was tagged... here is my list of fours:

1. Four shows that you watch:
(1) Dexter
(2) It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
(3) The Office
(4) Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Atlanta


2. Four things you are passionate about:
(1) My family & friends, and planning precious moments with them.
(2) My career -- being the best attorney I can be.
(3) Cloth diapering!  (I'm sort of obsessed now)
(4) Being organized.


3. Four phrases you say a lot:
(1) "Really, John, really?"
(2) "Shut the front door!"
(3) "It's an albatross around my neck."
(4) "Spicy!" (when anything is remotely dramatic)


4. Four things you've learned from the past:
(1) Some people deserve second chances, and some people never deserved the first chance.  Trust your instincts.
(2) Ask for help when you need it; thank people when they give it.
(3) You catch more bees with honey than with vinegar.
(4) Don't put anything on facebook that you don't want made public.

5. Four places you would like to go:
(1) Would love to go back to Italy... specifically the country.  Wine country.
(2) Florida to visit my bro-in-law, sis-in-law and little nephew.  Also, Florida sounds really nice right now, what with this -30 windchill business.
(3) Egypt
(4) Ireland


6. Four things you did yesterday:
(1) Went out for breakfast with my husband and baby boy (who was a little doll, and let his mommy eat in peace!)
(2) Watched several episodes of The Wire, Season 4.  LOVE that show.
(3) Did some laundry.
(4) Opened mail.

7. Four things you are looking forward to:
(1) Visiting my sister and her fiancee in their new house.
(2) Christmas with my family!
(3) New Year's Eve!
(4) Jack's first real smile :)

8. Four things you love about winter:
(1) Snow... love how everything looks so fresh and new.
(2) Flannel pajama sets.
(3) Sleeping under fluffy warm blankets.
(4) Snuggling with my baby since it's too cold to go anywhere.

9. four bloggers who should share their list of fours:
(1) Liz
(2) Meg
(3) Krystin
(4) Heather

on getting stuff done.

back when i was pregnant, i liked to talk a big line about what i was going to do while on maternity leave.  i had dreams of all the crafts i'd accomplish, all the christmas goodies i'd bake, and all the holiday outings i'd attend.  my mom suggested that my time off was not necessarily going to be a vacation, and that perhaps i was being a little naive or maybe overly ambitious about the first few weeks of motherhood.  i dismissed these ideas; i was the epitome of over-achiever.  of course i would do all these things and more.  afterall, a never-ending "to do" list is just part of who i am.

well, who am i anymore?  as i look around my living room, i'm slightly disgusted by the stack of mail, breast pump accessories and unfolded laundry strewn about.  on the other hand, i showered today, so actually, it's been a good day thus far.  i guess mom was right.  maternity leave has not been exactly what i was planning.  but as my mom said yesterday, "you've always had to figure things out for yourself."  which is true.

now don't go thinking that i'm not loving motherhood thus far.  because i totally am.  but it's so weird how everything has changed so drastically in such a small amount of time.  i have been jack's mama for a little over 5 weeks now, and in some ways, i can't remember myself before he was here.  but of course that seems ridiculous.  i can vaguely remember what it was like to be able to run to target to peruse the aisles for things i didn't need without a care in the world, without the constant glancing at my watch in a panic ("does he need to be fed?  changed?  i need to get back home right away.")  i can sort of remember being able to eat with both hands.  i remember being able to get into my bed, lay head on pillow and sleep contently for 6, 7 or even 8 hours at a time.  (ok, very vaguely.  very, very vaguely.)

but, anyway, they say life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.  and as cliche as it sounds, it's so true.  just when i was feeling as uncomfortable as i'd ever felt in my life, preoccupied with nesting to the n'th degree and worrying about a million things and the aforementioned never-ending to do list, my water broke, and this tiny little being came into the world and just... changed everything.  my outlook on life, the width of my hips, you know, just everything.

we spent the first few weeks in a haze, albeit a blissful, sleep-deprived, what the hell am i doing and who let me leave the hospital with this tiny man haze.  but the fog is lifting, folks, and we are emerging.  mama has strapped on her babybjorn, and productivity has begun increasing exponentially around here.  we actually assembled the christmas tree, strung the lights and hung the ornaments!  i am caught up on laundry (for the time being; try not to blink too fast)!  the dishwasher has been emptied!  and... (drumroll please) jack has been sleeping 5.5-7 hours per night, every night for the past week.  you'd be surprised at the motivation a little extra shut-eye can bring to a person.

so... anyway, instead of doing what the old me would have done (spend every waking moment trying to get as much done as possible), the new me is going to spend today celebrating my recent productivity and the accomplishments of the past five weeks....

from this,

to this.

we've come a long way, baby!

on precious moments.

sometimes, in the middle of the night, the wee hours of the morning, when my whole house (except for me) is fast asleep, i look down at the little baby sleeping contently in my arms and i think, all the sleep deprivation in the world is worth this one little moment.

i look down at his tiny little hands, curled into fists that rest by his ears, and i try to soak in the rhythmic hum of his breath.  i try to memorize everything about his perfect little face, his tiny nose, his pouty lower lip.  every day he changes, and to me, looks a little different than he did the day before.  and so, even though i have not slept more than 4 hours at a stretch for the past three weeks, in these quiet moments, in the still of the night, i am at peace with the lack of sleep.  being awake for these moments gives me the opportunity to soak up this precious time with this tiny little man who won't be so tiny for so long.  happy 3 weeks to my dear little boy.

ole faithful.

i've heard it from every single parent i know, so it's probably cliche of me to say, but time flies with babies around.  for real.  i can't believe little baby jack will be 2 weeks on wednesday.  ok, it's not like he's graduating from college or going to senior prom, i know, but it's still amazing to me to think that 2 weeks ago, i was carrying that little peanut in my belly, and now he's hanging out on the outside, melting my heart ... like every minute of every day.

and in the past 12 days, jack has experienced many important milestones that he's basically just slept right through.  his first hike/walk... his first wedding... his first sweater vest... you know, life-changing moments.  i have  experienced some life altering moments of my own.

leaking in the workplace.


last friday, i headed down to the office to do some checking on some of my files, update the other attorneys on some cases, and just generally reassure myself that everything was being handled in my absence.  i had made the rounds, chatted with colleagues about cases, stopped to give baby jack updates to inquiring paralegals and secretaries, and was one conversation away from heading home when i felt it.  liquid.  on my chest.  i looked down.  houston, we had a problem.  apparently my body was telling me it was time for a jack snack because i had leaked through a nursing pad, a t-shirt and my sweater.  immediately i was horrified.  how long had this little scenario been playing out?  had everyone in the office noticed, but been too polite (or disgusted) to inform me that i was indeed geysering all over my clothes?  for the love of god!  i would have marched right into the office of my lone female colleague to round table the situation, except it being the day before her wedding, she was out of the office tending to important business involving programs and favors.  "now what?" i panicked.  should i just hightail it out of there and forego my meeting with the last attorney?  should i try to find some awkward way to use my purse as a shield over my leaky right boob?  the OCD part of me decided i had to finish all business as planned, so i opted for the purse shield and made my final stop.  i survived the conversation, leakage and all, and headed out to my car, where john and the little man were waiting.  the minute i got inside, i turned to john, burst out laughing, and pointed to "the situation" (who, as you now know, is not just a jersey shore character).  "look what happened!"  we both had a good laugh over it.
i'm just hoping that while we were finding some humor in the leaky event, everyone in my office wasn't gathering to discuss same.  ahhh well.  i'm sure it's not the last leak we'll have to plug.  cheers to breastfeeding!

all in all, i have to say, i'm having a good time being a mom.  john and i are just figuring out this whole parenting thing, but we're trying to take it all in stride, enjoy the precious moments, and laugh about the "crises averted."  a special thank you to little jack for being so patient with us.