motivation.

no one warned me about these feelings i'd inevitably deal with post-law school. i spent so much of my time over the past three years dreaming about being finished with two decades of school that i never even considered the possibility that i might truly miss being a student. i have been forced to admit, however, that the seemingly implausible is true. i miss academia! [insert audible gasps & shocked expressions] it's true. after twenty years of living life in terms of semesters, quarters, finals, exams, reports, and endless papers, i was used to the routine. and i had grown accustomed to the cyclical nature of it all. the excitement of starting new semesters with new professors and new things to learn, the slacking off during the midpoint, the jittery anxiety and feelings of exhaustion toward the end, followed by a few glorious weeks of complete and (in my opinion) well-deserved relaxation... and again and again. i am a creature of habit, i don't deal well with change, and i had always embraced being a student.

so here comes little miss may 2009. she brought with her the final chapter in a life spent in the classroom, and all of the sudden, armed with a diploma and that naive, albeit relieved, feeling that i had accomplished something great, i set out into the "real world." (well, not exactly. before my fashionably late entrance into the real world all my friends had been navigating for three whole years, i did spend two miserable months sitting at my dining room table engaging in an abusive relationship with a bunch of barbri books. but ok, post bar exam, i got down to the business of "living my life.") the realization that the wake up, go to work, come home, eat, sleep and do it all over again is my life FOREVA, EVA has caused me considerable pause. there are no spring breaks, summers off or christmas vacations in the real world. and for someone who truly thrived during those times, it's a little unnverving to face the music: they're gone, baby, gone.

i suppose i'm being somewhat dramatic. afterall, it's not like i didn't know this day was coming. and it's not like i didn't claim to be anxiously awaiting its arrival, anyway. but the truth is that i was woefully unprepared for this. i suppose the most important lesson learned is that i have an uncanny knack for always finding the grass greener on the other side of the street. when i was in school, i longed to be working and now, sometimes i find myself wishing, while at work, that i was back in school. this is a lesson in being thankful for where i am when i'm there, and making the most of every stage of my life, instead of wishing it away. it has been an important thing for me to internalize, and i think i can report, after approximately three months of trying, that i am doing better with the whole thing.

one thing that has become abundantly clear to me is that i need to build in my own traditons, breaks, distractions and excitement. in a roundabout way, everything i've said here has just been an explanation for what i'm about to reveal: this year i'm making almost all of my christmas presents. (talk about anti-climatic news) but anyway, the excitement and stress of working to get all these gifts finished in time for christmas is reminiscent of that end-of-the-semester haul during finals that i (sometimes) feel like i miss so much. instead of memorizing, making flashcards, and outlining, i'm sewing, knitting, uploading and wrapping, but really, tomato, tomato.

(john's laptop is less than helpful in my quest for homemade christmas awesomeness, but that's another story for another day)

so, here's my wish for everyone who may be (but probably is not) reading this: i wish you renewed motivation in your journey to accept whatever changes your own lives have brought. merry christmas!